Morning Thoughts
And they said collectively, “Amen.”
For a second, there were no sounds except the scratching of silverware on the ceramic. Small clanks and little giggles, things left unsaid in the dimmed dining room.
There were soft murmurs, light laughs, most of all a subtle contentment in the room. It was comfortable, for some. For others, like the man at the end of the table, he felt like they should be spending their time discussing, talking about things they all loved, things like football.
He fought this thought, we are enjoying company, we don’t need to talk. This thought was quickly pushed back, But then again, we need to catch up, after all, we don’t see each other very often.
From the seat at the head of the table, With his mouth full he smiles with his lips pursed, a little turkey grease on his face he says, “How about them Eagles?”
There was an eerie pause. Forks stopped scrapping, mouths stopped chewing.
Eyes wandered around looking for someone to answer.
Most eyes gathered at the other end of the table, to Uncle Branden with his stuffing still on his fork - suspended in mid-air.
He had this sinister smile on his face.
He nods in approval and laughs out of his nose. He continues with his bite. The table does the same - a short laugh and then the white noise of eating. The clanks and scratches, the chewing, the murmurs.
The man at the end of the table, opposite of Uncle Branden paused in confusion at the lack of response and after a moment, obviously not getting the hint, he prods again.
“Boy, they can really run the ball.”
Everyone ignores this again.
The man’s eyebrows narrow in frustration and confusion. He could not drop it. He prompts one more time, “What a great comeback story for D’andre Swift”.
Uncle Branden slams his hands on the table.
Everyone is frozen.
“Hey, hey, I’m just trying to get everyone to talk!”
The room is silent. The man looks around for support but no one makes eye contact.
Uncle Branden grabs his fork and cleans the end in his mouth before walking slowly to the opposite end, to the man.
“I'm just trying to bring everyone together!” There’s a hint of sarcasm in his voice.
“Well…” he starts and he looks down at the Swift fan and smiles, “Fuck you.”
He uses the Fork and jams it in the man’s eye. There are screams and blood.
He doesn’t stop.
He jams it into his throat, into his other eye, and into his chest - like the turkey on that Thanksgiving.
After nothing but blood and the sound of choking was left, Uncle Branden smiled, “And fuck the Eagles.”
Everyone stares. He turns around and takes a deep breath. He smiles again. “Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Let’s eat.”
Commissioner's Corner
Dearest Comrads,
There’s nothing like the face flaming embarrassment of picking up one too many RBs, playing the wrong one, and then the player you did play getting injured.
It is for this reason that I am salty about fantasy football in the current state. However in times of fury, it’s best to step back and realize: do better.
And so we carry on.
3 more weeks. 3 more games. 3 more opportunities to determine the shittiest half from the best half of the NFFL.
Brandon and Peter taken down a notch. Squirt taken up a notch. Nicholas Evelyn Vichinsky falsely in 5th place.
You love to see it.
Happy week 12.
Yours truly,
Commish
Power Rankings
1. Hiff Clangers ↦
A loss this week doesn’t create a full picture of his team. If JT wasn’t on bye it might have been a different picture.
2. Le Squirtlocker ↥
Nick takes down Screamin Mean Queen with another statement win. We may not like it but Nick looks like a real contender this year.
3. Fight’n GameCucks ↧
While I don’t like his team make up he still has a top 3 record, he has all but tied up his playoff hopes.
4. Scumper’s Thumpers ↥
Dean and I now have the same record and I won the head-to-head so I’ll take my seat here.
5. Screamin' Mean Queen ↧
See above.
6. Milky Cream Dream Team ↥
The team has a huge week this week. With Justin Jefferson coming back there’s a chance that the Dream Team makes a run in the remaining weeks.
7. Purdy Cheeks ↧
With a nice win on the week, Purdy Cheeks has helped his chances in the playoffs. His team proved it can boom any week - or bust.
8. Kuppin’ Balls ↦
Whatever the opposite of Daddy's is.
9. Fuck Chris Spray ↥
The lack of WR talent on this team is astounding.
10. Daddy ↧
He's up and He's down. Hard to tell where this team is in the bottom three. This goes for all the teams that are listed here.
11. Fuck Fantasy Football ↦
With a new name change, I don't understand how this team has the record they do. RIP ARod, RIP Chubb, RIP Mark Andrew
12. Hurts Hill & Johnson LLC ↦
If Hurts and Johnson don't perform this team has a scary floor.
Jeers and Tears
Jeers
Congratulations to the self-proclaimed best team in the league - Pete - with a nice loss.
I might as well also congratulate Branden and Commish :)
Milky Cream with the Highest Scorer of the week, Nice!
Congrats to the Mini-game winner Nick Sowell for the best Best Benchwarmers - not sure if that is a compliment.
Tears
Here lies Mark Andrews, Brock Purdy, and Cooper Kupp. May you rest in the thought that you ruined fantasy football.
Desmond Ridder is the starting QB for the Falcons again, so there goes any relevance for other Flacon players.
Joe is so good at hitting 100 points.
The Locker - Le Squirtlocker
Rudy. The Average Joes Dodgeball team. The 1980 US men’s Olympic Ice Hockey team. The 2022 Detroit Lions. For as long as competitive sports have existed, the story of the underdog has captivated audiences across many different sports for centuries. But what makes an underdog? Tenacity, grit, toughness, hope, and a little bit of luck perhaps? Believe it or not, we have a team in our league that represents represents 5/6 of those traits. This team has a choice to either make history with the most significant NFFL comeback ever, or to be the greatest team that never was.
Who is this team that I speak of? We’re talking about Kuppin’ Balls himself, Mr. Bruce Maurer.
Bruce has somehow managed to completely rebuild a dogshit team into one of the most formidable teams in the NFFL. A stacked bench, three starting workhorse backs, the best TE in the league, and a great QB combo collectively result in a team that looks eerily similar to another successful team in the league; the #1 ranked Hiff Clangers. Though a string of bad luck and unfortunate matchups has plagued Big Bruce’s season as of yet, a period of good fortune may somehow pave a way for Kuppin Balls to make it to the playoffs. With an active and healthy Kupp and significant playmakers off of Bye week, I don’t see any direction for this team but up.
On a final note, I would like to speak directly to you, Bruce. Now more than ever, is the time for hope. This is the time to not be the most negative and pessimistic person in the entire midwest United States. This is the time to manifest with your words and pray with your heart. Believe that you will be great, and you will.
Best,
The Squirtlocker
P.S. Suck that L commish, have fun being 6-5
Pete's Pecker
Hate week
Everyone waits for this week every single year. Two programs that hate eachother more than they like to breathe. A storied rivalry between one that cheats and pays for the best players and another that is always surrounded by controversy. One of those rivals can’t even say the others name because using that letter is not welcome during the week. We come in to this hate week with one ranked 2 and the other ranked 3. Whoever wins this will most likely lock down a playoff spot. This is the game. ❌quirtlocker vs Cucks.
Turkey Bowl Superlatives
Wildest Turkey (Most Unpredictable Team to Make Playoffs)
0%Pete
0%Branden
0%Nick S
0%Dean (Spray)
The Mashed Potatoes (Lock for Playoffs)
0%Pete
0%Branden
0%Nick S
0%Dean (Spray)
The Stuffing (Everyone Wonders Why it's There)
0%Pete
0%Branden
0%Nick S
0%Dean (Spray)
The Pumpkin Pie (The League Favorite to Win)
0%Pete
0%Branden
0%Nick S
0%Dean (Spray)
The Candied Yams (Look Great but You'll be Upset)
0%Pete
0%Branden
0%Nick S
0%Dean (Spray)
The Cranberry Sauce (Most Likely to "win" the Toilet Bowl)
0%Crit
0%Eric
0%Beadle
0%Bryce
The Aunt Carol (Biggest Stick Up Their Ass)
0%Pete
0%Branden
0%Nick S
0%Dean (Spray)
The Grandpa (Grumpiest, Doesn't Engage, yet loved)
0%Pete
0%Branden
0%Nick S
0%Dean (Spray)
Grandmother's Kiss (Who you hate to love)
0%Branden
0%Pete
0%Nick S
0%Dean (Spray)
Guest Matchup Picker: Branden Knorr from Hiff Clangers
Kuppin' Balls Vs. Daddy
Both teams entering week 12 are coming off tough losses and looking to back with a nice Thanksgiving turkey leg and another notch in the W column. Unfortunately for these two only one of them is getting the W with a warm tasty leg, and other still getting a leg, but with a big ole side of whoop ass. My gut is telling me that Daddy stepped out for some milk and cigarettes and I don’t know if he’s coming back so Kuppin’ Balls takes the cake… or leg and the win.
Kuppin' Balls Vs. Daddy
0%Kuppin' Balls
0%Daddy
Fuck Fantasy Football Vs. Purdy Cheeks
For this match up we have one team in Purdy cheeks who is gaining steam like a locomotive speeding down the tracks, and then we have FFF who is looking for a shining light at the end of the tunnel in hopes they won’t be in the toilet bowl. However, you know what they say about trains… ‘The light at the end of the tunnel is just the light of an oncoming train about to fuck you up.’ Purdy Cheeks keep chugging along and stays in the playoff hunt.
Fuck Fantasy Football Vs. Purdy Cheeks
0%Fuck Fantasy Football
0%Purdy Cheeks
Screamin Mean Sheep Vs. Milky Cream
This should be a great matchup to watch unfold between these two teams as there could be a big swing in the standings and the playoff door would be cracked open for several teams that are in the hunt. I was under the assumption that after Commish Dean was managing a team of hungry dogs trying to win it all this year, but really he’s just got a team of sheep, and Milk Man Con would LOVE to work thosesheep utters into submission. Last thing I’m going to say is don’t let the Milkers get hot! Milkers take this one in a toight game.
Screamin' Mean Sheep Vs. Milky Cream Dream Team
0%Screamin' Mean Sheep
0%Milky Cream Dream Team
Hiff Clangers Vs. Hurts Hill & Johnson LLC
*Try and read this in your best Pittsburgh accent*
Do yinz hear dat? DA glorious sound of that jagoff Matt Canada being fired and Eric and I both on our knees thanking the powers that be. This is goin be some classic Stiller football between these two hardnosed teams and for sure will be a grinder like a good old fashioned Primanti Bros Sandwich. It could be a slippery slope if the Hiff Clangers drop another game to the HHJ and those boys Dahntahn. I still have faith in the Clang Gang and we pull one Aht this week but I hate Stiller on Stiller violence. PIXBURGH IS SO BACK.
Hiff Clangers Vs. Hurts Hill & Johnson LLC
0%Hiff Clangers
0%Hurts Hill & Johnson LLC
Scumper's Thumpers Vs. Fuck Chris Spray
It’s Rabbit Season! No it’s Beef Season! This is a good matchup we’ve got in week 12 with the Scumps who are coming off a huge week 11 win where at least one Swift-y showed up to the game and was ready to put the city of Philly on his back, and then we have Beef and the FCS team who squeaked one out at the right time. Sometimes squeaking one out or pinching it off can be advantageous, but not this week as Scumps WR room makes the difference and the Thumpers pull out the win.
Scumper's Thumpers Vs. Fuck Chris Spray
0%Scumper's Thumpers
0%Fuck Chris Spray
🌟GoTW: Fight'n GameCucks Vs. Le Squirtlocker
To start this pick off I’d like to highlight the Tina Turner song “What's Love Got to Do with It”. You’re probably asking yourself what these hell does that song have to do with this matchup??? The answer is it doesn’t have a goddamned thing to do when it comes to the relationship between these two teams. This is a classic no love lost game AND the loser can be placed on FRUAD watch. Both teams are at the top of the standings so there will be a little extra sting as the loser walks away from this one. CAUTION FLOOR IS WET because Squirt’s team has been going hard in the mf’n paint and spraying juices everywhere as they worked their way to the top, but the Cucks are no joke as they are powered by the voice of Kermit the frog, 9 mg Zyn pouches, and Pete’s voodoo magic that he sold his soul for at the ripe old age of 13. Squirtlocker digs deep to get the win and stops the bleeding from the Cuck’s initial charge.
Fight'n GameCucks Vs. Le Squirtlocker
0%Fight'n CameCucks
0%Le Squirtlocker
Overall Picker Rankings
Peter Maurer - (5-1)
Ryan Beadle (4-2)
Zach Montague - (3-3)
3. Crit Maurer (3-3)
3. Bryce Maurer (3-3)
4. Nick Sowell - (2-4)
League Rumors and Conspiracies
We will need to find at least one new member next year. Bryce Maurer still favorited to leave the league with the dumb fucking excuse of "I'm going to have two kids"
Beef has the newest Vegas odds to lose the league.
Cream has decided to start playing Fantasy Football.
Peter Maurer let cream win because he knows an angry Cream is bad for the league.
Branden Knorr thinks we all suck at fantasy football and this is his make a wish league.
Fantasy Meme of the Week
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